Cool Belts

There comes a time in life when it’s time to put away the childish things and act like an adult. It can be hard saying goodbye to your old friends like William the Anal-Retentive Teddy Bear, and He-Man; who never says anything about his repressed tendencies, but you know he must be wearing that leotard for something, right?

When your precious childhood memories are safely tucked away under the couch with that rented copy of Titanic that you never returned, your car keys and the library book you borrowed fifteen years ago, it’s time to take a look at your wardrobe and make some hard choices.

Can it be that your Spider-Man t-shirts,  wholesale apparel and your awesome jeans that have more holes in them than denim, aren’t suitable for an adult’s wardrobe? Sadly yes. We live in a twisted world. It’s time to get an adult wardrobe. It’s time to rack up a bunch of credit card debt on some of the items that really matter in adult life. Later, if you’re good, you can eat an entire sleeve of Oreos by yourself. 

No matter what kind of work you do. There are certain items of clothing that are must-haves for the office. These evergreen fashions that tell the world that you mean business. Nothing says “I’m here to work, so you better not get in my way”, like really cool belts. The kind of belts, that when people, see them they say: “hey man, cool belts”. Yeah, you know what I’m talking about.

Cool belts have been responsible for some of the greatest events in history. In all likelihood, your parents would never had met if it wasn’t for the amazing number of cool belts that were around years ago. Imagine if your dad hadn’t worn one of his cool belts that day; right now someone else would be reading this article, and wondering what on earth we’re talking about.

If you’re a Michael Jackson fan, imagine yourself Moon-Walking around the office in a fedora, wholesale apparel, skinny legged pants and one of your cool belts. Even if you get fired for it, you’re sure to leave an impression as you boogie out the door, and head for the unemployment office.

Cool belts with gang symbols on them are loads of fun. If your town has rival gangs, get yourself one of these cool belts, and saunter over to the side of town where the rival gang to the symbol on your belt lives. Make sure you try to stare people down, and look really tough. Believe me, it’s a blast.

Another style of cool belts to wear is cool belts with huge buckles that say “drug dealer”, in inch high letters. Take a stroll down to the police station wearing this one. Stand around acting shifty, with your hands in your pockets. It’s hilarious, and the boys down at the station are sure to get a big kick out of it.

If you’re one of those people who do things “ironically”, get yourself one of the type of cool belts known as a traditional belt. What makes these cool belts cool is they look just like a regular uncool belt. The kind you might wear to the office, or out date. People probably won’t understand the smug smirk on your face, but you’ll be rolling around on the ground laughing; inside your head anyway.

Play your cards right, and people will start calling you “Cool Belts” around your neighborhood. Every time you hit the streets, people will yell out “cool belts”! You’ll smile and wave, feeling like the queen of England. Yeah, I’m talking to you, Cool Belts; keep on doing what you do.