By Geoffrey Stanton: Illustrations by David Stewart
Picture this: it's Friday night and you're ready to cut loose after a long, hard week. A few of your friends are going to a party down the road, and they invite you to tag along. You go home, get yourself looking presentable, and head out. But when you arrive, you find yourself gazing in open-mouthed horror at a scene of utter chaos. The acrid stench of unattended vomit stings your eyes as you step gingerly over a pile of broken glass. Somewhere in between leaning in a pile of stale beer and watching a shitfaced couple go at it like it's the end times, you ask yourself: "Are we not men? Have we not laws that separate us from the lower animals?" Well, fret no more! Here at Private Island, we have taken it upon ourselves to tame the forbidding wilderness of the party scene. That's why we've put our best heads together to assemble the definitive guide to common party fouls and their appropriate penalties.
|Someone spills a drink on the rug||They have to suck it out of the carpet|
|When someone breaks a glass||Confiscate their shoes|
|Someone throws up outside the bathroom||They have to wear a bib and sit in the corner|
|Someone changes the music mid-song||They have to finish the song... on the kazoo|
|Someone doesn't bring alcohol||"Oh cool, you can DD"|
|Someone's on the phone/texting the whole time||Host gets to text from their phone|
|Someone didn't honor the theme||Host gets to dress them up|
|Cracking a new brew before the old one's finished||Must collect and drink every nasty, warm, half-finished beer in the place|
|Cutting the keg line||You've gotta fill up everyone you cut before drinking|
|Excessive PDA||Duct tape their heads together|
And there you have it, folks! With a few simple rules in place, your parties are bound to come off without a hitch. Want to add a little extra 'oomph' to your calls? Then check out Private Island's exclusive new Party Foul Flag!
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